-- Num ---- Username ---- Category ------------- Posted -- Expires --- Pages ---
| 65797 | JCLIRA       | STORIES              | 02/23/95 | 02/24/95 |     7    |
| Description: The Underwire Bites Back                                        |

      White Laura scanned the surface of the planet as she left the spacecraft.
She'd had to make an emergency landing and her ship was now buried in a heap of
light green dust. If she'd headed to any navigable runway, she would surely
have caught the attention of the evil crimelord, Kevin the Rusch. But now, on
kevtooine's crunchy green surface, it was only a matter of time before he found
her. And when he did, falling into the hands of the Empire would seem like a
fanmtasy world. She began to march across the long, flat field, the dried
vegetation underfoot crunching with every step.
      In the atmosphere of another planet, Roger Judge flew his airskimmer
through a mountain range. He deliberately cut too close to mountain tops,
swerving deftly out of the way.
      "Take that, Vader! Pyeeow Pyeeow!" It was a favorite passtime of Judge's
to pretend he was a member of the Rebel Alliance and he dreamed of the day he
could dogfight with imperial TIT fighters. That day, however, something
different happened.
      A tremendous crash rocked his airspeeder. The first thought that went
through my head was "Oh, damn! I've hit a mountain! Dad's gonna beat me with
his electro-belt.", but, looking in the rearview mirror, he found that a
smallish metallic object had stuck his ship, and was now hurtling toward the
ground. Roger turned the speeder around and landed. He got out and examined the
object. It was obviously an escape pod from a larger ship. Then, as he looked
it over, he noticed there were a pair of breasts emblazoned on the control
panel. "From the rebel alliance!" He gaped in wonder. Suddenly the door slid
open, and a small droid rolled out. It was shaped like a little girl with
wheels instead of lower legs. "Greetings, carbon based life form. I am the
sexturbine 2000. Might I enquire what planet I am on?"
      "Mos dakley" stuttered the confused young man.
      "Excellent." said the droid. "I will need to get in contact with KittyCat
Kenobi. Do you know of her?"
       "I wonder if you're talking about old Sandra Kenobi, who lives over the
Chandelier Hills."
       "Take me to her."
       "Wait a minute" said Roger. "I'm not sure I should be getting involved
in this..."
       Abrubtly a tube shot out of the Sextrubine 2000 and fastened itself
around Roger Judge's crotch. Gears began whirring in the Sexturbine, and
shortly Roger was rocked with an orgasm so intense that he drooled.
       "You will recieve another of those once we find KittyCat Kenobi." the
droid informed him.
       "Get in the speeder." panted Roger.
        (Cue Imperial Music)
       (Another Shot of the ISS Mammary hulking though space.)
       "Ma'am, Laura's ship no longer appears on radar." said Han Zlogar,
looking up from his terminal.
       "She must have landed." said Lydia Vader through her patent-leather mask
"Contact Kevin the Rusch's spaceport and see."
       Zlogar punched some buttons. "Negative. Nothing's landed today."
       "What? She must have landed somewhere else on Kevtooine!" said Vader
       Grand Moff Muskox enters through an automatic door.
        "Impossible." he said "Nothing can survive on Kevtooine's surface. The
chemicals would destroy her lungs in a matter of minutes. I shall go inform
Evil Maria that she has destroyed herself in a futile gesture of defiance."
        "Do not be so sure, Muskox. The Tits are strong on her."
        "You know, Lydia, for the evil mistress of all that is dark, you can be
a real stupid cunt sometimes. Even if by some miracle, she did survive, she is
too late. The Evil Empress informs me that the construction of the Titless
Kettle is almost complete. If we like, we can blow all of Kevtooine to tiny
bits if it would make you feel better."
         "Is Evil Maria still on the phone?"
         "I must speak to her." Lydia Vader marched toward the door, which slid
open. Halfway through, she turned back.
         "Grand Moff? Don't ever call me cunt again."
         Muskox writhed in pain, holding his nipples.
        On a screen in front of Lydia, a huge face peered. Vader knelt in front
of it.
        "Did you capture Laura?" asked the face.
        "No, my Empress."
        "She cannot be allowed to live. I can feel her presence. The Tits are
strong on her."
       Lydia nodded. "I also have felt her Tits."
       "You must destroy her."
       "I understand."
       Laura, breathing heady fumes, again scanned the horizon. This time her
suspicions were confirmed.
       "Pot people. Oh, no." She counted. There's one, two, three ostriches,
but only two Ganja Raiders. That's strange."
       Suddenly a huge shape loomed in front of her binoculars. Dropping them,
she found herself face to face with a short, stocky alien that waved a hollow
tube in the air, holding it by a short stem.
       "Maaaaaaaaaaaaark! Mark Mark Maaaaaaaaark!" It howled, then brought the
bong down on White Laura's head. She lost consciousness.
       When she came to, she found herself wrapped head to toe in rolling
paper. She could feel herself jostling on the back of some animal.
       "Where are you taking me?" she asked.
       "You're going to see my master, Kevin the Rusch." said the alien voice.
     "KittyCat Kenobi." said a short, very busty woman as she offered Roger
Judge a seat. "I haven't heard that name in a long, long time."
       "Is she dead?" asked Roger.
       "Well, yes, she is dead...in a way."
       Then a hologram emerged from the sexturbine 2000. It showed a woman clad
all in white, saying "Help me kittycat Kenobi...you're my only hope."
       "She's beautiful! Her breasts are so big!" stammered Roger.
      "Yes...she is beautiful... in a way."
       Then the woman got up and went to a dresser drawer. She took an
underwire bra from it and hung it off her belt.
       "That's an underwire bra- the weapon of a master of the Tits!"
       Sandra smiled mysteriously. "yes, for some it is a weapon...in a way."
       "You're KittyCat Kenobi, aren't you."
       "Yes, I am...in a way."
       "You said she was dead."
       "I said she was dead *in a way*, you little prick. Look, I'm a master of
the Tits. I'm supposed to be cryptic."
       "Sorry. Hey, listen. Do you think you could teach me to be use the
       "Don't be stupid. You're a boy. You don't have any Tits. But I can
teach you to use them...in a way." She fastened the bra. Then , to the
Sexturbine, "You say she was heading to the Kevtooine system?"
        "In a way" said the droid.
        "Don't get smart with me, you glorified vibrator." KittyCat retorted.
"Come on, let's go."
        Roger stood up. "Are we going to help her?"
        KittyCat smiled and winked. "In a way."
to be continued