-- Num ---- Username ---- Category ------------- Posted -- Expires --- Pages --- | 59088 | STU_DPCAMPBE | STORIES | 05/05/94 | 05/12/94 | 5 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | Description: hasta la inebrietion, tuna | ================================================================================ Hello everyone, the Rgt. Hon. Rev. Joker here. Just thought I would extend my imperial tendrils a bit and invade a new section of the board. I do now hearby proclaim bb.chatter.stories as a WHOOPIST REALM. Resistance is futile, prepare to be assimilated and all that cool stuff. To prove my supremacy in this category and give a rousing send-off to my immortal bro, I present the following brief chronology of our particular splinter of the Campbell clan: It all started in the lowlands of bonny old Scotland, circa 500 AD. Why the lowlands, you might ask? The Campbells were so drunk that one day they fell off the highlands. Anyway, it all began with one Hoss Campbell, resident of Drambuie Hollow. The Campbells then were all notorious whisky drinkers. Hoss originally was too, but he felt that there was a certain something missing. He would often complain to his father Jack MacDaniels Campbell. "Da, y'know I like drinkin' an' all, but I just canna get into this whiskey stuff!" *WHAP!* "Shut up lad, its what we've always drunk, by God!" "But it does 'na satisfy me! I want something that I can drink all night, an' not pass out after a coupla hours! I want somethin' that does na' have ta be mixed with some damn sweet soft drink thing, so I can stomach it! I want somethin' with........BUBBLES! Aye, thats it, somethin' with a nice BIG, FROTHY HEAD!" *WHAP!* "I told ye to shut up, ye miserable haggis! Now drink yer whisky like a good Campbell." Hoss continued to be nagged by strange misgivings until one momentous day, he tasted an imported beverage from Germany. A beverage called....BEER. The countryside for miles around was heard to echo with Hoss' cries, "THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE BEVERAGE I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR! FROM NOW ON I'LL HAVE NO OTHER GOD BUT BEER! THANK GO....er, I mean THANK BEER!
" Thus was a great Campbell legacy formed as Hoss' beer drinking line split from the rest of the clan and lived a content, if somewhat obliterated existence until 1066. At that time, the Campbells were forced to take up arms against the invading Normans. They fought, not so much because they particularly cared who ruled over them, but because, in the eloquent words of the immortal Keg Campbell, "Those damn frogs drink wine. I dinna like wine. I like BEER! Has anyone got another tankard o' BEER? Anyone? Damn frogs! *plonk!*" Although unsuccessful in stopping, the French invasion, they were able to preserve the freedom of alcohol, which was later to be an important secret provision of the Magna Carta. Once more the Campbells were able to assume an idyllic lifestyle of near complete intoxication. That is until, 1650, when Oliver Cromwell deposed the English king and proclaimed a Puritan government. The Campbells were sufferers from one the first cases ever of BEER discrimination. Increasing governmental pressure for sobriety pushed the Campbells to set sail for the Hops rich lands of the new world, a move justified thusly by Clan leader Sixpack Campbell, "They wanna take our BEER away lads! Which way to America? Tha' way? Well, lets go, lads! What d'ye mean we need a boat? We dinna need a boat! C'mon, by BEER! follow me to freedogargleblarghblufst! The new leader, Longneck Campbell, prudently decided that a boat was in order and soon the clan struck out for America. After landing they moved inland to the territory that would one day be known as West Virginia. They constructed log cabins and put their mighty sailing ship up on cinder blocks in the front yard. They also found a group of alcoholic Indians who taught them even more about the mysteries of BEER. It was from this, the Anheiser-Busch tribe of Indians, that the Campbells got the name for their new home. It was to be called Budweiser Holler. Once more, the Campbells lived undisturbed until a major political upheaval interfered with their drunken happiness. This was a the American Civil War and it pitted Campbell against Campbell in a bitter struggle. The problem was that the Union city of Milwaukee controlled the finest BEER producing facilities in the United States. It seemed unthinkable to do anything but take up arms to protect northern BEER production. Yet at the same time, the south had developed several decent microbreweries and offered the Campbells FREE BEER, also an institution worth defending. The clan splintered and rivalries came to a foamy head when Union General Partyball Campbell confronted the Confederate General 40oz Campbell at the battle of BEER Run. The combat was indecisive as the troops were too drunk to fight, but there were some really nasty obscenities shouted by both sides. The Campbells to this day have never been able to resolve to argument of GOOD BEER vs. FREE BEER. Cleatus is obviously a partisan of the FREE BEER faction, while I myself tend towards the otherside. But anyway, there you have it, a chronology of the Campbell ancestry. And furthermore, I have conquered a new realm. And furtherfurthermore good luck and happy BEER consumption to you, bro. - Joker