-- Num ---- Username ---- Category ------------- Posted -- Expires --- Pages ---
| 59088 | STU_DPCAMPBE | STORIES              | 05/05/94 | 05/12/94 |     5    |
| Description: hasta la inebrietion, tuna                                      |

Hello everyone, the Rgt. Hon. Rev. Joker here.  Just thought I would extend my
imperial tendrils a bit and invade a new section of the board.  I do now hearby
proclaim bb.chatter.stories as a WHOOPIST REALM.  Resistance is futile, prepare
to be assimilated and all that cool stuff.  To prove my supremacy in this
category and give a rousing send-off to my immortal bro, I present the
following brief chronology of our particular splinter of the Campbell clan:
It all started in the lowlands of bonny old Scotland, circa 500 AD.  Why the
lowlands, you might ask?  The Campbells were so drunk that one day they fell
off the highlands.  Anyway, it all began with one Hoss Campbell, resident of
Drambuie Hollow.  The Campbells then were all notorious whisky drinkers.  Hoss
originally was too, but he felt that there was a certain something missing.  He
would often complain to his father Jack MacDaniels Campbell.
 "Da, y'know I like drinkin' an' all, but I just canna get into this
whiskey stuff!"
 *WHAP!* "Shut up lad, its what we've always drunk, by God!"
 "But it does 'na satisfy me!  I want something that I can drink all
night, an' not pass out after a coupla hours!  I want somethin' that does na'
have ta be mixed with some damn sweet soft drink thing, so I can stomach it!
I want somethin' with........BUBBLES!  Aye, thats it, somethin' with a nice BIG,
 *WHAP!* "I told ye to shut up, ye miserable haggis!  Now drink yer
whisky like a good Campbell."
 Hoss continued to be nagged by strange misgivings until one momentous
day, he tasted an imported beverage from Germany.  A beverage called....BEER.
The countryside for miles around was heard to echo with Hoss' cries,  "THAT'S
 Thus was a great Campbell legacy formed as Hoss' beer drinking line
split from the rest of the clan and lived a content, if somewhat obliterated
existence until 1066.  At that time, the Campbells were forced to take up arms
against the invading Normans.  They fought, not so much because they
particularly cared who ruled over them, but because, in the eloquent words of
the immortal Keg Campbell, "Those damn frogs drink wine.  I dinna like wine.  I
like BEER!  Has anyone got another tankard o' BEER?  Anyone?  Damn frogs!
 Although unsuccessful in stopping, the French invasion, they were able
to preserve the freedom of alcohol, which was later to be an important
secret provision of the Magna Carta.  Once more the Campbells were able to
assume an idyllic lifestyle of near complete intoxication.  That is until, 1650,
when Oliver Cromwell deposed the English king and proclaimed a Puritan
government.  The Campbells were sufferers from one the first cases ever of BEER
discrimination.  Increasing governmental pressure for sobriety pushed the
Campbells to set sail for the Hops rich lands of the new world, a move
justified thusly by Clan leader Sixpack Campbell, "They wanna take our BEER
away lads!  Which way to America?  Tha' way?  Well,  lets go,
lads!  What d'ye mean we need a boat?  We dinna need a boat!  C'mon, by BEER!
follow me to freedogargleblarghblufst! 
 The new leader, Longneck Campbell, prudently decided that a boat was in
order and soon the clan struck out for America.  After landing they moved
inland to the territory that would one day be known as West Virginia.  They
constructed log cabins and put their mighty sailing ship up on cinder blocks in
the front yard.  They also found a group of alcoholic Indians who taught them
even more about the mysteries of BEER.  It was from this, the Anheiser-Busch
tribe of Indians, that the Campbells got the name for their new home.  It was
to be called Budweiser Holler.
 Once more, the Campbells lived undisturbed until a major political
upheaval interfered with their drunken happiness.  This was a the American Civil
War and it pitted Campbell against Campbell in a bitter struggle.  The problem
was that the Union city of Milwaukee controlled the finest BEER producing
facilities in the United States.  It seemed unthinkable to do anything but take
up arms to protect northern BEER production.  Yet at the same time, the south
had developed several decent microbreweries and offered the Campbells FREE
BEER, also an institution worth defending.  The clan splintered and rivalries
came to a foamy head when Union General Partyball Campbell confronted the
Confederate General 40oz Campbell at the battle of BEER Run.  The combat was
indecisive as the troops were too drunk to fight, but there were some really
nasty obscenities shouted by both sides.
  The Campbells to this day have never been able to resolve to
argument of GOOD BEER vs. FREE BEER.   Cleatus is obviously a partisan of the
FREE BEER faction, while I myself tend towards the otherside.  But anyway,
there you have it, a chronology of the Campbell ancestry.  And furthermore, I
have conquered a new realm.  And furtherfurthermore good luck and happy BEER
consumption to you, bro.
- Joker