-- Num ---- Username ---- Category ------------- Posted -- Expires --- Pages ---
|     9 | CAMPBEDP     | CHATTER              | 06/04/96 | 06/18/96 |    14    |
| Description: The Spirit of the Radio...                                      |

"---REE LERXSTWOOD.  This is RADIO FREE LERXSTWOOD, beginning another
horizon-broadening experience..."
This broadcast is being brought to you as a public service by the affiliated
RAGE pushers of America, the P-Funk Mothership, the Jesus v. Buddha One-on-One
Basketball game (available only pay-per-view), the number 9, and the
hiragana character for the phonetic sound Tsu!
As always, we are devoted to letting the WEEN lick up everyone's nose,
bringing out the gimp, everybody kung fu fighting, running an honest NCAA
tournament pool, Brechtian alienation, Ladies night, reclaiming those of you
lost in the "detached and subdivided" themes of the present, showing you
instead of telling you, and making you part of a larger world.....
And once again, we at RFL present our team of witty Socialist commentators,
Dmitri Flamenkov and Yuri Fyssosovich, the MORNING GULAG!!!
D: Greetings comrades!  Now you may be saying to yourself, where exactly has my
RFL been for the last three months?  My ideology is slipping, I've been bored,
and the Contract with America is starting to look less and less like
Imperialistic mindwarping propagandato me!
Y: Well never fear, we're back!  But where were we you may ask?  We won't even
mention the difficulty in finding the station's new address.  It was simply
enough that when the "Blizzard of the Century part II: No, this time we mean
it, this really is the largest, most disruptive storm of the century, I mean
there's only five more years left, there couldn't be any snowstorm bigger than
that, right?" hit, me and Dmitri did what any good Socialists do when faced
with obscene buttloads of snow.
D: We busted out the Vodka!
Y: That's right, Comrades.  So you see, we only just became aware of our
surroundings a short while ago.  Yuri spent most of his winter either walking
around naked in the snow yelling, "Old Russians eat a lot of yogurt!" or talking
doctrine with the "porcelain party chairman"!
D: And Dmitri spent all those months cryogenically frozen in a cube of his own
Y: Fortunately, the American aid packages come with those wonderful, little
yellow and different (in much the same way Mao was), Nuprin [tm].  So you see
Capitalist oppression is at least good for dealing with hangovers....er, I said
at least good for dealing with hangovers!
D: Shouldn't Comrade Gump have come in with a rimshot there?
Gump: I'm retiring to go on tour with Weird Al, Comrades.
Y: With Weird Al?!? We won't let you sell out like that!
D: Don't make me show you Flying Fist of Socialism, Comrade Gump!
Gump: My mama always said, "Stupid is as stupid nutz, biiiiiiiii-atch!"
Y: Come back!!! Come back you drooling fascist!!!!
D: I hope you get a Hollywood contract for big money and get a sprawling
Beverly Hills mansion, $500 dollars worth of cocaine a day, and all the buxom,
blonde playmates that you can physically service, just so you can see how empty
the Capitalist lifestyle really is!
Y: Yeah!  Just remember that if you had stuck with us, you would have gotten
indoor plumbing and an '87 Yugo in five years!
D: Well, on with the show.
RFL: The future will be like the 70's, only longer.
Are you one of the thousands of average, suburban, white, guilt riddenly
bourgeois, closet Communists that the Republican party tries to tell us don't
exist in any appreciable numbers in America?  Do you want to glofify the
worthy cause of International Socialism, but don't quite like the overly exotic
sound of the names of the movement's most influential leaders?  We here at RFL
have the solution!  We have several names which obviously refer to some of
Socialisms greatest prophets or groups, but still retain that quintissentially
American flavor that you crave!  But don't take our word for it, sample for
your self!
For the boys we have:
Ho Chi Jim
The Shining Bruce
And we haven't forgotten the girls either:
Pol Potela
Khmer Ruth
RFL: At night, the ice weasels come.
While we here at RFL expressly do not acknowledge even the teeniest, tiniest,
most miniscule possibility that God exists, our Whoopist friends seem pretty
hep on the whole idea of a bad-ass diety.  So just to make absolutely,
positively sure that none of our listeners are left to be turned away from the
Pearly (Capitalist decadence!) Gates with out least a snappy one-liner to leave
the omnipotent creator of everything with, we now present...
The Atheists List of Things to Say to the Judeo-Christian God Before Being Sent
"Y'know, according to Nietszche, you're dead."
"Well, I had no idea the crowd up here was so gauche.  I'll be leaving now."
"Hah, you just lost a really great harpist, dickhead!"
"Are you tawking ta me?  Are you tawkin' ta *me*?"
"I do this in the name of Allah!" (Explode immediately after saying this)
"Funny, I always thought that you'd look more like Charlton Heston"
"Elvis isn't here anyway."
"Shaaa, as if." *SNAP!*
"I'll be back."
"Oh get some vowels in your name, ya big sissy!"
"Buddha's still hipper."
"My mother condemned me to Hell once.  ONCE!"
"Satan will leave me tasty little mints on my pillow, big man."
"This is a problem that we can take care of, pal " (slip him a twenty as you
say this)
"Fight the Power!"
RFL: We don't like Satan, we just admire his fashion sense.
And now the latest development from those fiends at Microsoft.
This week Microsoft proudly unveils its latest networking tool to aid in its
bid for global domination: MICROSOFT WINDOWS FOR INSURGENT GROUPS!!!
Are you the leader of a guerilla group struggling in war of national
liberation, or even just a member of such a group?  Do you wish that life as a
hit-and-run terrorist was  more organized and, well, just a bit more
WFIS lets you:
- Organize all your insurgent activities in an easy to understand, icon-driven
- Word process all your bomb warnings, death threats, and half-insane, nigh
incoherent manifestos using our patented WYSIWYK (What you see is what you
kill) system!
- Use our communications software to connect with like minded bloodthirsty
individuals the world over!
- Rape and pillage the global village!
- Run multiple operations with no appreciable drag on memory resources and
operating speed (no more waiting till food raids are done to start the ethnic
- A direct, always free help-line to our microsoft offices to answer all your
networking questions and provide necessary air support!
So next time you want to commit some genocide, don't waste time getting the
troops together and rationing out the bullets, just click on their little
pile-o-skulls icon and let Microsoft do it for you!
Microsoft: We're going to win in the end, so you might as well get on our good
side now.
RFL: Ever notice that Netanyahu and Buttafucco have the same number of
syllables?  Coincidence?  I THINK NOT!!!
Always concerned with keeping you , our listeners , on the cutting edge of
intellectual hipness, we at RFL now present the latest in scientific
Now it is a well known fact that the inability of science to satisfactorily
explain everything everywhere and come up with a Grand Unified Theory (GUT) is
due to the so-called Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle whereby the exact
position of subatomic particles is impossible to determine without in fact
changing the position of those particles.
This scientific thesis gave rise to the branch of physics known as Quantum
Mechanics.  We consider Quantum Mechanics small minds dealing with small
particles.  After all, it is based on Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which
derives most of its character from its progenitor.  Werner Heisenberg was
widely acknowledged as a vacilating weenie who could not make up his mind about
a wide range of issues from whether we was a Nazi or not, to whether he wanted
to save the world or destroy it by not developing or developing the atom bomb,
to what color socks he would wear to the lab on any given day.  He was also
frequently beaten up by Einstein and termed a "sissy" by Niels Bohr.  So of
course his principle is uncertain!
We would like to propose a different, more tenable principle, the Pretty Darn
Certain(ty) Principle.  Our rationale is simple: you may not know exactly where
a subatomic particle may be, but you can have a pretty darn certain idea where
it is.  After all, we all know subatomic particles.  They like their capucinnos
and cafe lattes and espressos.  They read nineteenth century symbolist poets or
50's beat writers.  They listen to Jazz, but only "cool" Jazz.  None of that
fusion stuff.  And certainly no pop, rock, or country.  In short, they're
pretentious little fuckers.  I mean, how many times have you said to your self,
"Isn't that just like a subatomic particle!"  See, we don't know where they
are, but we can guess because we know they're drawn to the high brow, cynical
So, with that established, we can formulate a Pretty Nifty Unified Theory
(PNUT) which tells us that reality just never has been the same since Kiss took
off the make-up.
- Joker