-- Num ---- Username ---- Category ------------- Posted -- Expires --- Pages --- | 9 | CAMPBEDP | CHATTER | 06/04/96 | 06/18/96 | 14 | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | Description: The Spirit of the Radio... | ================================================================================"---REE LERXSTWOOD. This is RADIO FREE LERXSTWOOD, beginning another horizon-broadening experience..." This broadcast is being brought to you as a public service by the affiliated RAGE pushers of America, the P-Funk Mothership, the Jesus v. Buddha One-on-One Basketball game (available only pay-per-view), the number 9, and the hiragana character for the phonetic sound Tsu! As always, we are devoted to letting the WEEN lick up everyone's nose, bringing out the gimp, everybody kung fu fighting, running an honest NCAA tournament pool, Brechtian alienation, Ladies night, reclaiming those of you lost in the "detached and subdivided" themes of the present, showing you instead of telling you, and making you part of a larger world..... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- And once again, we at RFL present our team of witty Socialist commentators, Dmitri Flamenkov and Yuri Fyssosovich, the MORNING GULAG!!! D: Greetings comrades! Now you may be saying to yourself, where exactly has my RFL been for the last three months? My ideology is slipping, I've been bored, and the Contract with America is starting to look less and less like Imperialistic mindwarping propagandato me! Y: Well never fear, we're back! But where were we you may ask? We won't even mention the difficulty in finding the station's new address. It was simply enough that when the "Blizzard of the Century part II: No, this time we mean it, this really is the largest, most disruptive storm of the century, I mean there's only five more years left, there couldn't be any snowstorm bigger than that, right?" hit, me and Dmitri did what any good Socialists do when faced with obscene buttloads of snow. D: We busted out the Vodka! Y: That's right, Comrades. So you see, we only just became aware of our surroundings a short while ago. Yuri spent most of his winter either walking around naked in the snow yelling, "Old Russians eat a lot of yogurt!" or talking doctrine with the "porcelain party chairman"! D: And Dmitri spent all those months cryogenically frozen in a cube of his own filth! Y: Fortunately, the American aid packages come with those wonderful, little yellow and different (in much the same way Mao was), Nuprin [tm]. So you see Capitalist oppression is at least good for dealing with hangovers....er, I said at least good for dealing with hangovers! D: Shouldn't Comrade Gump have come in with a rimshot there? Gump: I'm retiring to go on tour with Weird Al, Comrades. Y: With Weird Al?!? We won't let you sell out like that! D: Don't make me show you Flying Fist of Socialism, Comrade Gump! Gump: My mama always said, "Stupid is as stupid nutz, biiiiiiiii-atch!" Y: Come back!!! Come back you drooling fascist!!!! D: I hope you get a Hollywood contract for big money and get a sprawling Beverly Hills mansion, $500 dollars worth of cocaine a day, and all the buxom, blonde playmates that you can physically service, just so you can see how empty the Capitalist lifestyle really is! Y: Yeah! Just remember that if you had stuck with us, you would have gotten indoor plumbing and an '87 Yugo in five years! D: Well, on with the show. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- RFL: The future will be like the 70's, only longer. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Are you one of the thousands of average, suburban, white, guilt riddenly bourgeois, closet Communists that the Republican party tries to tell us don't exist in any appreciable numbers in America? Do you want to glofify the worthy cause of International Socialism, but don't quite like the overly exotic sound of the names of the movement's most influential leaders? We here at RFL have the solution! We have several names which obviously refer to some of Socialisms greatest prophets or groups, but still retain that quintissentially American flavor that you crave! But don't take our word for it, sample for your self! For the boys we have: Staleroy Ho Chi Jim Khrusjeff The Shining Bruce Trotskevin Jimstro Maobert And we haven't forgotten the girls either: Marxlissa Pol Potela Khmer Ruth Leniqua -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- RFL: At night, the ice weasels come. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- While we here at RFL expressly do not acknowledge even the teeniest, tiniest, most miniscule possibility that God exists, our Whoopist friends seem pretty hep on the whole idea of a bad-ass diety. So just to make absolutely, positively sure that none of our listeners are left to be turned away from the Pearly (Capitalist decadence!) Gates with out least a snappy one-liner to leave the omnipotent creator of everything with, we now present... The Atheists List of Things to Say to the Judeo-Christian God Before Being Sent Below! "Y'know, according to Nietszche, you're dead." "Well, I had no idea the crowd up here was so gauche. I'll be leaving now." "Hah, you just lost a really great harpist, dickhead!" "Are you tawking ta me? Are you tawkin' ta *me*?" "I do this in the name of Allah!" (Explode immediately after saying this) "Funny, I always thought that you'd look more like Charlton Heston" "Elvis isn't here anyway." "Shaaa, as if." *SNAP!* "I'll be back." "Oh get some vowels in your name, ya big sissy!" "Buddha's still hipper." "My mother condemned me to Hell once. ONCE!" "Satan will leave me tasty little mints on my pillow, big man." "This is a problem that we can take care of, pal " (slip him a twenty as you say this) "Fight the Power!" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- RFL: We don't like Satan, we just admire his fashion sense. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- And now the latest development from those fiends at Microsoft. This week Microsoft proudly unveils its latest networking tool to aid in its bid for global domination: MICROSOFT WINDOWS FOR INSURGENT GROUPS!!! Are you the leader of a guerilla group struggling in war of national liberation, or even just a member of such a group? Do you wish that life as a hit-and-run terrorist was more organized and, well, just a bit more user-friendly? Then WINDOWS FOR INSURGENT GROUPS IS FOR YOU! WFIS lets you: - Organize all your insurgent activities in an easy to understand, icon-driven format! - Word process all your bomb warnings, death threats, and half-insane, nigh incoherent manifestos using our patented WYSIWYK (What you see is what you kill) system! - Use our communications software to connect with like minded bloodthirsty individuals the world over! - Rape and pillage the global village! - Run multiple operations with no appreciable drag on memory resources and operating speed (no more waiting till food raids are done to start the ethnic cleansing!)! - A direct, always free help-line to our microsoft offices to answer all your networking questions and provide necessary air support! So next time you want to commit some genocide, don't waste time getting the troops together and rationing out the bullets, just click on their little pile-o-skulls icon and let Microsoft do it for you! Microsoft: We're going to win in the end, so you might as well get on our good side now. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- RFL: Ever notice that Netanyahu and Buttafucco have the same number of syllables? Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Always concerned with keeping you , our listeners , on the cutting edge of intellectual hipness, we at RFL now present the latest in scientific developements! Now it is a well known fact that the inability of science to satisfactorily explain everything everywhere and come up with a Grand Unified Theory (GUT) is due to the so-called Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle whereby the exact position of subatomic particles is impossible to determine without in fact changing the position of those particles. This scientific thesis gave rise to the branch of physics known as Quantum Mechanics. We consider Quantum Mechanics small minds dealing with small particles. After all, it is based on Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which derives most of its character from its progenitor. Werner Heisenberg was widely acknowledged as a vacilating weenie who could not make up his mind about a wide range of issues from whether we was a Nazi or not, to whether he wanted to save the world or destroy it by not developing or developing the atom bomb, to what color socks he would wear to the lab on any given day. He was also frequently beaten up by Einstein and termed a "sissy" by Niels Bohr. So of course his principle is uncertain! We would like to propose a different, more tenable principle, the Pretty Darn Certain(ty) Principle. Our rationale is simple: you may not know exactly where a subatomic particle may be, but you can have a pretty darn certain idea where it is. After all, we all know subatomic particles. They like their capucinnos and cafe lattes and espressos. They read nineteenth century symbolist poets or 50's beat writers. They listen to Jazz, but only "cool" Jazz. None of that fusion stuff. And certainly no pop, rock, or country. In short, they're pretentious little fuckers. I mean, how many times have you said to your self, "Isn't that just like a subatomic particle!" See, we don't know where they are, but we can guess because we know they're drawn to the high brow, cynical scene. So, with that established, we can formulate a Pretty Nifty Unified Theory (PNUT) which tells us that reality just never has been the same since Kiss took off the make-up. <-shshshshshshssssssssssshshshshshhhshsshsshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshshs> - Joker